Ask Doctor Elephant!

Dear Doctor Elephant,

I’m a little concerned about the ambulance service in my town.  Whether you’ve fallen off your pony, eaten a whole house, or been bitten by a glowing, mooing cow, when you call an ambulance it arrives quickly, then runs over you several times.  As you can guess, this tends to exacerbate the original problem, and some people are now a little leery of calling the ambulance to attend to their medical emergencies.  I asked the driver about it, but he just kept smiling at me.  Do you have any advice?

                                                       -Slowly Recovering in the Playroom, Sag Harbor, NY

Dear Slowly Recovering,

Whew!  Your letter reminds me of the news reports from the violent, gender-segregated cities of Legoland!  If you’re porcelain, or fragile, I would suggest getting out of town and moving upstairs- possibly to the top of the dresser if you can afford it.  If you’re plastic, at least the ambulance can’t do you any lasting harm,
and I know a doctor who gives good shots that fix whatever’s wrong with you.  (They’re so popular she wore out her needle and had to get her mom and dad to fix it!)  Or try telling the ambulance driver that your insurance doesn’t cover getting run over!
 

Good luck,

Doctor Elephant

Dear Doctor Elephant,

Why haven’t you updated your blog in such a long time?

Concerned in Mankato, MN

Dear Concerned,

Much obliged for your interest!  Truth is, for the first part of the year we had a pretty bad flu epidemic in my town, and I was working flat-out.  Then when the flu cleared up, people were eating whole ceilings or breaking their legs on spinning wheels or getting their heads bitten off by monsters, and I had both front legs and my trunk full keeping up with it all.  Meanwhile, my dear wife (she’s a brain surgeon) was working very hard in her hospital, and finally we decided that we had to take a break at the end of June (it was hard work persuading her.)  So I got a locum, and we took the calves upstate and went fishing and hiking, and read good books and did lots of nothing.  And now I’m back and I feel right refreshed. 

Dear Doctor Elephant,

What do you think about the Supreme Court’s ruling on the constitutionality of the Affordable Care Act?

Fuming in Woodburn, IN

Dear Fuming,

As a medical elephant, I’m glad that more people with illnesses or injuries or chronic conditions will be able to get them taken care of without going bankrupt.  If you want to talk about constitutionality, you might want to consult my wife’s brother, Constitutional Lawyer Elephant- lately I ain’t been able to, since every time he calls round I seem to get an urgent call to go out.

Dear Doctor Elephant,

Who’s your favorite ethnomusicologist?

Curious in Cambridge, MA

Dear Curious,

Bruno Nettl.

Dear Doctor Elephant,

Are all elephants Republicans?  If so, who’s your pick for the 2012 nominee?

Curious in Enid, Oklahoma

Dear Curious,

Elephants appreciate the GOP’s good taste in party symbols, but our political views range across the ideological spectrum, just the way yours do.  Some elephants are even apathetic!  I’m not actually allowed to vote just now, as I am an elephant and only humans can vote.  I do take a keen interest in the politics and the future of my country. My pick for 2012 was Jon Huntsman.  At first I was a mite wary of him- anyone with valuable ivory tusks is going to be nervous around a guy called “Huntsman”, but when I found out it was just his surname and he wasn’t going to burst into my home with a big gun and turn me into a trophy, I warmed up to his clean campaign style, moderate stance on social issues, and willingness to reach across party lines to achieve consensus.  Right now, like a lot of people, I’m just hoping for a fair, honest presidential contest, with the man who can put the nation on the road to recovery winning in November.  Reckon it wouldn’t do any harm if both sides went easy on the robocalls, as well.

Dear Doctor Elephant,

I love movie musicals, and look forward to sharing them with my young children.  Some of them, like Grease or Carousel, contain wonderful songs and colorful characters but have worrying messages about men and women.  If I show them to my kids, will they pick up the idea that hitting people you love is OK, or think that you have to change who you are to suit the person you want to be with?

Looking ahead in San Antonio, Texas

Dear Looking Ahead,

There’s someone your children watch more than they’ll ever watch Julie or Rizzo, and it’s you.  This is what parents (and DVD pause buttons) are for.  Stop the movie when the characters do something “worrying” and ask your kids what they think about it.  “Why do you think Billy feels bad?”  “If you were Sandy’s friend, would you want to make her do all the things you do?”  Tell them it’s never OK to hit another person whether you love them or not, and assure them that, unlike the parents in Grease, you will be around for them to talk to.

But don’t worry too much: if you show your kids a good example,  they’ll learn how to do right and how to think for themselves.  Your kids are lucky to have a parent with good taste in music and a sound moral compass!

Dear Doctor Elephant,

How’s about them Patsies?

Gloating in Jaffrey, New Hampshire

Dear Gloating,

How’s about them Giants?  Yah, yah, yah.